Setting clear and consistent boundaries with toddlers isn’t always a walk in the park. It can feel like you’re navigating a maze, trying to figure out the right words to use. The language you choose plays a significant role in this process, with certain phrases potentially confusing or misleading your little one.
In my years of parenting and childcare experience, I’ve learned that some commonly used phrases may do more harm than good. They might inadvertently blur the lines of discipline, making it harder for your toddler to understand what’s expected of them.
In this article, I’m going to share with you 7 phrases you should steer clear of when setting boundaries for your toddlers. These are phrases that I’ve found can confuse children and obstruct the establishment of clear rules.
To successfully set boundaries, it’s more than just about what you should say—it’s also about what you shouldn’t say. So let’s dive in and explore these phrases, and why avoiding them can help you create a more effective communication with your toddler.
1. “Because I said so”
One phrase to avoid when setting boundaries with your toddler is “Because I said so.” While it might seem like a quick fix to end a debate, this phrase can be counterproductive.
It shuts down any opportunity for your child to understand the reasoning behind the rule. Toddlers are naturally curious and they learn best when they understand the ‘why’ behind things. Explaining the reasons behind rules helps them make sense of the world around them.
Using this phrase can also undermine your authority in the long run. It sends a message that you’re making rules based on personal whims, rather than for their safety or wellbeing. This could make it harder for them to take future instructions seriously.
Try to explain the reasoning behind your rule in a way they can understand. For instance, instead of saying “Don’t touch the stove because I said so,” you could say “Don’t touch the stove because it’s very hot and it could hurt you.”
By taking the time to explain, you’re not only setting a clear boundary, but also teaching your child important reasoning skills.
2. “You’re a bad boy/girl”
Another phrase to avoid is “You’re a bad boy/girl.” It’s crucial to remember that when setting boundaries, we’re trying to correct the behavior, not label the child.
Labeling a child as ‘bad’ can lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy where they believe they are indeed ‘bad’ and behave accordingly. This can further lead to low self-esteem and a negative self-concept.
Focusing on the behavior also helps your toddler understand exactly what they did wrong and what they can do differently next time. This approach fosters their emotional intelligence and promotes positive behavior change.
3. “I’m busy”
The phrase “I’m busy” is one that should be used sparingly when interacting with your toddler. It’s understandable that parents can’t always drop everything to cater to their child’s every need. However, frequently using this phrase can send a message of unavailability and indifference to your little one.
Toddlers crave attention and interaction from their parents. When they hear “I’m busy” too often, they may feel neglected or less significant. This can lead to feelings of insecurity and can potentially hamper their emotional development.
Try to communicate your situation in a more empathetic way. You could say, “I need to finish this work right now, but I promise we can play together in half an hour.” This way, you’re acknowledging their need for interaction while also setting a clear expectation.
Being aware of your child’s needs and managing your time effectively can help balance your responsibilities and ensure that your toddler feels valued and important.
4. “Wait till your father/mother gets home”
The phrase “Wait till your father/mother gets home” is another one to avoid. This statement might seem like an effective way to get immediate compliance, but it can create several problems.
It can undermine your authority and position as a disciplinarian. By passing the responsibility of setting boundaries to the other parent, you might unintentionally communicate that you’re not capable of handling the situation yourself.
This phrase can create unnecessary fear and anxiety in your toddler. Instead of understanding what they did wrong and learning from it, they might spend the rest of the day worrying about the impending punishment.
Rather than outsourcing discipline, try to address issues as they come up. For example, if your child refuses to pick up their toys, instead of saying “Wait till your father gets home,” you could say “We need to pick up our toys after we’re done playing. Let’s do it together now.”
5. “You’re okay”
While it might seem comforting to tell a crying toddler that “You’re okay”, it’s best to avoid this phrase. If a child is visibly upset or hurt, telling them they’re okay can invalidate their feelings and experiences.
Toddlers have a limited vocabulary and can’t always express their feelings in words. When they’re upset, they need validation and empathy, not dismissal of their feelings.
By validating their feelings, you’re teaching your toddler that it’s okay to express emotions and that their feelings are understood and respected. This is an essential step in setting clear and consistent boundaries as it establishes trust and open communication.
6. “You’re so…”
Avoid generalizations such as “You’re so messy” or “You’re so naughty”. These phrases can be damaging as they label your child and might lead to a negative self-image.
Children often behave according to how they perceive themselves. If they constantly hear that they’re “naughty” or “messy”, they might start to internalize these labels and it could impact their behavior.
It’s crucial to keep in mind that toddlers are still learning about the world around them. They will make mistakes and create messes. But with patience and clear communication, we can guide them towards better behavior without negatively impacting their self-image.
7. “If you don’t stop, I will leave you here”
Our final phrase to avoid is “If you don’t stop, I will leave you here.” Threats, especially ones involving abandonment, can be quite frightening for a toddler. It can lead to feelings of insecurity and anxiety, which are not conducive to their emotional development.
Toddlers may not fully understand the concept of empty threats. Therefore, they might believe that you will actually leave them alone, causing unnecessary fear.
Instead of resorting to threats, try to explain the consequences of their actions in a more constructive way. When your toddler is throwing a tantrum in a store, you could say, “If we can’t calm down and behave properly, we might need to go home and miss out on choosing a treat.”
This approach helps your toddler understand the consequences of their behavior without instilling fear or anxiety. It encourages them to modify their behavior for the right reasons, not out of fear.
Embracing Positive Communication
Setting clear and consistent boundaries with your toddler is a journey, not a destination. As parents, we’re constantly learning and growing along with our children. The key to effective boundary setting lies in positive and respectful communication.
Rather than resorting to phrases that confuse or belittle your toddler, aim for open dialogue that respects their feelings and encourages understanding. Your toddler is a little person who’s trying to navigate a vast world that’s still new to them. They rely on you for guidance and support.
Try to explain rules and expectations in simple words they can understand. Be patient and understanding when they make mistakes; it’s part of their learning process. Most importantly, maintain consistency in your words and actions. This instills a sense of security in your child and makes the boundaries more effective.
In the end, it’s about fostering a loving and respectful relationship with your child while guiding them towards becoming responsible individuals. And every child is unique and might require different approaches. Trust your instincts as a parent and do what feels right for your child.
