Communicating with your kids — it sounds simple, but few things can be as challenging or as fraught with potential pitfalls. I mean, we’ve all had those moments where we say something to our child and immediately see their faces close off, right?
And let’s be honest, it’s not a great feeling. As a parent, you want to foster open lines of communication, not shut them down. But what if I told you that some phrases we commonly use can unintentionally do just that?
That’s right, some seemingly innocent words can actually hinder communication with our kids rather than encourage it. I’ve faced this struggle personally, and trust me, it took some learning and unlearning to realize what I was doing wrong.
So let me share with you 7 phrases that can unknowingly shut down communication with your children and what you should say instead.
By the end of this article, I hope to provide you with practical alternatives for better communication with your little ones.
1. “Because I said so”
This phrase, though common, can be detrimental to meaningful communication with your kids. It conveys a sense of authority without explanation, which can lead to feelings of frustration and misunderstanding on your child’s part.
Instead of shutting down their curiosity, try to provide reasoning behind your decisions or rules. This will not only make them feel respected but will also help them understand and learn. For instance, instead of saying “Because I said so”, you could say “We need to leave the park now because it’s getting late and we have to prepare dinner”.
This approach encourages open dialogue, enhances understanding, and fosters a respectful relationship between you and your child.
2. “You’re okay”
Telling your child they’re okay, particularly when they’re visibly upset, can invalidate their feelings. It may make them feel like their emotions are not being recognized or respected.
Rather than dismissing their feelings, acknowledge them. This can be done by saying something like, “I can see that you’re upset, and it’s okay to feel this way. Let’s talk about why you’re feeling this way.”
This approach validates their feelings and opens up a channel for communication. It reassures your child that it’s okay to express emotions and encourages them to share their thoughts and feelings with you. They learn to trust you with their emotions and understand that it’s okay to have feelings, even negative ones.
3. “Stop crying”
I remember a time when my youngest was having a meltdown in the middle of a grocery store. Frustrated and embarrassed, I found myself saying, “Stop crying!”
But looking back, I realize it wasn’t my finest moment as a parent.
Telling our kids to stop crying is like asking them to bottle up their feelings. It sends a message that their emotions aren’t valid or important.
But here’s the thing. Crying is a natural emotional response. It’s okay for our kids to cry when they’re upset or frustrated.
Instead of telling them to stop crying, we should be teaching them how to handle their emotions in a healthy way.
A more empathetic response could be, “I see that you’re upset. It’s okay to cry. When you’re ready, let’s talk about why you’re upset and how we can make it better.”
This response acknowledges their emotions and gives them the space they need to process their feelings.
4. “I’m busy”
While everyone gets busy, repeatedly telling your child “I’m busy” can lead to them feeling neglected or less important than other things in your life. It can also discourage them from reaching out to you in the future.
You can explain to them that you’re currently occupied, but you’re willing to listen to them as soon as you’re free. You might say, “I’m a little busy right now, but I really want to hear what you have to say. Can we talk about it after dinner?”
This approach validates your child’s need for your attention, reassures them that they’re important to you, and encourages them to express their thoughts and feelings at the right time.
5. “You should know better”
Now, I’ll admit, I’ve said this one before.
“You should know better.”
We say it with the best intentions, right? We believe our kids should understand the difference between right and wrong.
But here’s where we might be missing the mark.
Children are still learning. They’re figuring out how to navigate this world and their place in it. They’re bound to make mistakes along the way. And when we say “you should know better,” we might unintentionally make them feel guilty or incompetent for not meeting our expectations.
But let’s take a step back and approach this differently.
When faced with a situation where we might typically say “you should know better,” we could opt for a more constructive approach such as, “It seems like you made a mistake. Let’s discuss it and consider how we can improve next time.”
We’re giving them a safe space to learn and grow, without the weight of guilt or shame. And isn’t that what we all want for our kids?
6. “You always…” or “You never…”
Using absolutes like “always” or “never” can be harmful as they label your child and do not leave room for change or growth. They can also make your child feel criticized or blamed.
Direct your attention to the specific behavior you find problematic, avoiding labels for your child. For instance, rather than stating “You never clean your room,” you could remark, “I’ve noticed your room is often messy. Let’s work together to find a way to keep it cleaner.”
This approach focuses on the behavior rather than the child, which helps avoid feelings of guilt or shame.
7. “Wait untill your father/mother hears about this”
This phrase can stir up a whirlwind of emotions in kids:
- Fear
- Anxiety
- Shame
These emotions create a barrier to open communication.
The phrase implies a threat and portrays the other parent as a disciplinarian to be feared, rather than a source of support and love. You should try addressing the issue at hand directly with your child.
“I’m upset about what happened. Let’s talk about it and figure out how to make things right.”
In this way, you’re showing your child that mistakes are opportunities for learning, not for fear or shame.
Improving Communication with Your Kids
Communication is the bedrock of a strong parent-child relationship. It’s not just avoiding certain phrases – it’s fostering an environment where open, honest, and empathetic communication can thrive.
Start by actively listening to your child. This shows them that their thoughts and feelings matter to you. Use non-judgmental language and encourage them to express themselves freely.
Model the behavior you want to see in your child. If you want them to be respectful, show respect towards them and others. If you want them to be open about their feelings, be open about your own.
Remember, children learn more from what you do than what you say. Be patient with yourself and your child. Improving communication is a process, not an event, and every step you take brings you closer to a more open and understanding relationship with your child.
