Parenting is an art, and often a test of patience. But when your little one starts hitting or biting, it feels like you’re failing that test.
You may feel shocked, embarrassed, and unsure of how to stop these aggressive behaviors without resorting to harsh punishment or damaging their self-esteem.
So how do you guide your child away from hitting and biting and towards more peaceful ways of expressing their feelings?
After several years of research, working with child psychologists, and drawing from my own experiences as a parent, I’ve compiled a list of 7 logical consequences that can effectively curb these aggressive behaviors in children. If you’re wrangling with this challenge, it might be time to implement these strategies.
1. Understanding the trigger
Before we delve into the implementation of consequences, it’s crucial to understand why these aggressive behaviors occur in the first place.
Children, especially those of a younger age group, are still developing their linguistic skills. They may resort to actions like hitting or biting when they’re unable to adequately express their emotions or needs verbally.
It’s our responsibility as parents to observe and decipher their triggers. Is it a specific scenario that makes them upset? Could it be that they’re hungry or tired? Or perhaps they’re dealing with feelings of jealousy or insecurity?
Identifying these triggers is the first logical step towards managing these behaviors and providing an appropriate response. By understanding what prompts these actions, you can begin to educate your child on healthier ways to express their feelings.
2. Reacting without overreacting
As parents, our instinctual response to aggressive behaviors like hitting or biting is often to react immediately and decisively. However, this might not always be the most effective approach.
Counterintuitive as it may seem, sometimes, immediate reactions can unintentionally reinforce these behaviors. If a child bites or hits to gain attention and we respond promptly in a high-pitched voice or with visible distress, we might be inadvertently teaching them that such actions will get them the attention they seek.
Instead, it would be more beneficial to maintain a calm demeanor. By reacting without overreacting, we effectively communicate that such behaviors won’t get them the desired response. This approach allows us to model self-control and helps to de-escalate the situation, setting the stage for teaching more acceptable behaviors.
3. Teaching empathy
Children learn a great deal through imitation. When they see us react empathetically towards someone they’ve hurt, they start to understand the emotional implications of their actions.
Let’s say your child hits another child during a playdate. You could convey empathy by comforting the hurt child and expressing your concern for their pain. Observing this, your child begins to understand that their actions have consequences that affect others.
By teaching empathy, we’re not only correcting their aggressive behaviors but also helping them develop emotional intelligence, which is vital for their overall social development.
4. Encouraging expressing emotions
It may seem counterintuitive, but one of the most effective ways to stop kids from hitting and biting is to encourage them to express their emotions.
When a child acts aggressively, it’s often because they’re struggling to communicate their feelings. Instead of reprimanding them outright, try to understand what’s driving their behavior. Ask them to express what they’re feeling, and validate those feelings.
Say something like, “I can see that you’re angry because you can’t have the toy you want. It’s okay to feel angry, but it’s not okay to hit or bite.”
This approach helps children understand that their feelings are valid and important. However, it also emphasizes that there are acceptable and unacceptable ways of expressing those feelings. By doing this, we’re teaching our kids that the problem isn’t what they’re feeling, but how they’re expressing it.
5. Resisting the urge to label
When dealing with a child who frequently hits or bites, it’s tempting to start labeling them as “aggressive” or “difficult”. However, this might not be as helpful as we think.
Labels have a way of becoming self-fulfilling prophecies. When a child continually hears that they’re aggressive, they might start believing it and behaving accordingly. Worse still, these labels can stick with them and impact their self-esteem and identity.
Rather than labeling the child, focus on addressing the specific behavior. Express your disapproval of the action, not the child. Saying, “Hitting is not nice” instead of “You’re a mean kid” sends a clear message that it’s the behavior that’s unacceptable, not the child themselves.
It’s a subtle shift in language but can make a world of difference in how your child perceives themselves and their actions.
6. Teaching alternative strategies
Children resort to hitting and biting because they don’t know any other way to express their frustration or anger. Therefore, teaching them alternative strategies can be a game-changer.
Start by helping your child identify what triggers their aggressive behavior. Is it a particular person, situation, or feeling? Once they can recognize these triggers, they can learn to anticipate and manage their reactions better.
Next, help them develop a toolkit of strategies to handle these triggers. This could include deep breathing exercises, counting to ten, or using words to express their feelings.
It’s not enough just to tell our children what not to do. We must also equip them with what they should do instead. By teaching them alternative strategies, we’re empowering them to make better choices in the future.
7. Offering emotional support
Parenting can be a roller coaster of joys, frustrations, triumphs and disappointments. It’s easy to get caught up in the day-to-day challenges and forget that your child is navigating their own roller coaster of emotions.
When your child lashes out, they need your emotional support more than ever. They’re signaling to you that they’re lost in a storm of feelings they don’t understand.
It’s tempting to react with discipline first. But before you do, take a moment. Hold your child. Let them know you’re there for them, even when they’re at their worst. This isn’t rewarding the bad behavior – it’s reassuring your child that they’re not alone in their struggles.
A hug might not solve the problem immediately, but it can create a safe space for your child. A space where they feel understood and loved, even when they make mistakes. Over time, this emotional support can help them gain control over their behavior and feel more secure in expressing their feelings in non-aggressive ways.
Understanding and Nurturing Emotional Intelligence
As we delve deeper into the topic, it’s crucial to understand that addressing aggressive behavior goes beyond simply instructing your child on what not to do. It’s about cultivating emotional intelligence, a fundamental skill that supports lifelong development.
Emotional intelligence is the ability to understand, use, and manage our emotions in positive ways. It helps us communicate effectively, empathize with others, overcome challenges, and defuse conflict. For a child, developing emotional intelligence means learning how to navigate the complex world of emotions – their own and others’.
It involves acknowledging that feeling angry or frustrated is normal, while also recognizing that hitting and biting are not acceptable ways to express these emotions. It’s understanding that our actions can impact others’ feelings and learning appropriate ways to communicate and express emotions.
At its core, it’s about learning to communicate effectively. If your child is upset because they can’t play with a toy they want, teach them to express their frustration verbally. Let them know it’s okay to say, “I’m really upset because I wanted to play with that toy.”
This approach does more than just stop the immediate hitting or biting. It equips your child with the tools they need to handle conflict and frustration in the future. It teaches them that while they can’t control what happens around them, they can control how they react.
Of course, this won’t happen overnight. It’s a gradual process that requires patience and consistency. There will be good days and challenging days. But every step your child takes towards understanding their emotions is a significant achievement.
